TO: All Employees
DATE: 1st November
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the
Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to
sing along. And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up
dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no
gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will
make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 2nd November
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 3rd November
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
"AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to
handle this? Somebody? Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and
Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
them Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home
in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for
members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table
closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians
do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes,
there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too. To the
person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We
will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available;
those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be
fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply"No
Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 5thNovember
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietlyat the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly
put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but
you know tomatoes have feeling, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!
Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!
The ***** from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 6th November
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy
recovery. In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.